You know that one uncle you always try to avoid at every family gathering? No, not the embarrassingly drunk one who just makes you uncomfortable but is relatively harmless. That one you still love. I'm talking about the other one. The one you hate. The one your aunt Gloria didn't invite to the cookout but he still found out anyway and so she had to pretend it was just a mistake, but everyone knows she's lying.
By Hari Ziyad, AFROPUNK Contributor
The one who is always starting some shit and spreading lies about everyone else in the family. The one who is a certified conspiracy theorist, but only when a conspiracy makes him the victim. Who always offends grandma by refusing to eat the food she made just for him because some regular ass shit like bread is suddenly full of poisons or some other profound truth he just learned from a high-key questionable source yesterday. Who just knows everyone has it out for him. Who's a bigot, too, and always saying something inappropriate about women, and if you're not one yourself you're supposed to laugh with him, and if you are one you're supposed to be flattered. Occasionally he'll yell at someone else's son for crossing his legs or doing something else not manly enough. The one you're pretty sure isn't actually family.
That's Donald Trump's tiny twitter fingers. Ever since the campaign they just can't help going haywire with lies, bigotry, attacks on foreign leaders—even if it means compromising national security—and false accusations. According to Hotep Uncle Fingers, Obama just up and decided to illegally tap his phone, because why not??! And the worst part is America is one giant cookout you can't escape. You've even deleted your own Twitter, only to find that everyone is posting statuses and writing articles about Toupee Fiasco's tweets on Facebook! And now you're writing about people writing about those tweets! And you can't even enjoy a slice of grandma's sweet potato pie.